Codependency is a term that is thrown around these days. While there are various definitions, there are several characteristics that most therapists have agreed upon. Codependent relationships can exist between spouses, children and parents, friends, colleagues, etc. For simplicity, I’ll be using the term partner.
Symptoms of Codependency
– Sacrifice your needs and wants for those of your partner
– Get a sense of purpose and self-worth by satisfying the needs of others, at the expense of your needs
– Take responsibility for others
– Feel happy and fulfilled when your partner feels happy and fulfilled
– Have difficulty finding satisfaction in our life outside of that person
– Attempt to control and change your partner’s unhealthy behaviours
What Causes Codependency
Codependence typically originates in childhood. So thinking about your childhood may provide you with some clues. For instance, as a child, you may have had to suppress your needs and desires to receive approval from an unstable, challenging or addicted parent. Having to take care of such a parent at a young age, known as parentification, is linked with adult codependency. After all, the relationship between a parent and child is our first love relationship, serve as a template for future close relationships. 
Codependency isn’t all or nothing. You can have codependent traits to varying degrees. If you do have these traits, it’s helpful to explore them and the cause. If not, even if you leave a codependent relationship, chances are the patterns will repeat in other relationships.
The Underlying Roots of Codependency
While the codependency traits play out in relationships, the root typically lies in how you feel about yourself. Individuals with codependent tendencies do not have a solid sense of self and self-esteem. Being overly responsible, striving for perfection and taking care of everyone, is in an effort of proving your self-worth. There might be a sense of, if I can do this right and if I can make others happy, then I am worth it. There might be a fear of being rejected or abandoned, as such, you might have difficulty asserting yourself and asking for your needs.
Codependent Relationship
It can be challenging to distinguish between love, support, and codependence. One indicator that you might be in a codependent relationship is an underlying feeling of anxiety around your partner’s happiness. Your emotions are tied to those of others. You might feel like you’re on a roller coaster driven by your partner’s fluctuating moods.
Codependent individuals tend to feel depleted from continuously giving. This dynamic can cause resentment in a relationship rather than love. A real connection between two people can only occur when both individuals come together in a mutually loving and supportive way.
What Can You Do If You’re In a Codependent Relationship?
1. Set Boundaries
Boundaries are essential in healthy relationships. The give and take promotes growth and wellbeing of both partners as opposed to fostering dependence. Boundaries are learned. So if boundaries are not comfortable for you, chances are, you didn’t learn about your boundaries.
For many codependents, there’s a belief that if a boundary is set up with another, it can jeopardize the relationship. Boundaries are not a form of punishment. Instead, they are an expression of self-love. It takes time and practice to set effective boundaries.
The first step is to become aware of when you have difficulty setting boundaries. You’ll want to try to be assertive and calm when setting them. If you find yourself getting angry or resentful, be compassionate with yourself. It may take some practice before affirming boundaries feels more comfortable. Others might have a difficult time with your boundaries as they can no longer get what they want at your expense (even if they don’t realise what they’re doing it). Also helpful in enforcing them is communicating the consequences if boundaries are not respected.
2. Recognizing and Honoring Your Needs
Individuals with codependent traits/tendencies typically do not have a good sense of what their needs are as they have taken care of other people’s needs ahead of their own for a long time. The first step is to bring awareness to what your needs are.
Once you start connecting to your needs, you’ll be able to honour them. This will also contribute to the development of your confidence and self-worth, making it easier to communicate your needs to others.
Take time to explore what’s important to you, including activities, hobbies and your relationships. Start to reengage in what you enjoy. Work on connecting with your emotions and begin to communicate them to your partner. It’s important to commit to yourself, your self-esteem, and your happiness. When you’re able to to this, you’ll enter relationships with more confidence, knowing that you have the resources and energy to both give and receive.