Are you someone who finds it difficult to say “no”? Do you often feel the need to please others, even at the expense of your own needs and well-being? If so, you might be familiar with the fawn response, a trauma-related coping mechanism that can lead to unhealthy patterns of people-pleasing.
Let’s explore the fawn response, the nervous system’s role in people-pleasing, and how Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy can help you break free from these behaviours and regain control of your life. If you struggle with people-pleasing or are looking for ways to heal from trauma, I’ll share how therapy can support your journey toward self-awareness and healthier relationships (with yourself and others).
What is the Fawn Response?
The fawn response is a trauma-related survival mechanism that occurs when a person tries to appease or please others to avoid conflict, rejection, or emotional pain. It’s one of the lesser-known trauma responses (along with fight, flight, and freeze), but it can be just as damaging to your emotional and mental well-being.
When someone experiences trauma—whether physical, emotional, or psychological—the fawn response can become a habitual coping mechanism. Individuals who use the fawn response often focus on meeting the needs of others, trying to please, or suppressing their own feelings and desires to gain acceptance and avoid negative outcomes. While this response may offer temporary relief, it ultimately prevents people from expressing their true selves, setting healthy boundaries, and engaging in authentic relationships.
The Nervous System’s Role in People-Pleasing
The fawn response is deeply connected to how the nervous system responds to perceived danger. When the brain senses a threat, it activates the sympathetic nervous system, preparing the body to fight, flee, freeze—or fawn. For people who default to people-pleasing, their nervous system interprets conflict or rejection as a threat. The body responds by seeking safety through appeasement.
Over time, this pattern can become ingrained. The nervous system remains hyper-alert, scanning for signs of disapproval or potential conflict. This can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and emotional exhaustion. Understanding this biological response can help you approach people-pleasing with more self-compassion—it’s not a flaw, but a survival strategy your nervous system developed to keep you safe.
The Link Between People-Pleasing and IFS Therapy
If you’ve struggled with people-pleasing behaviours, you’re not alone. Many people develop these patterns as a way to navigate a world that felt emotionally dangerous or unpredictable. The good news is that IFS therapy offers a powerful way to help you heal from the fawn response and regain control of your life.
Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a form of therapy that helps individuals understand and heal the different “parts” of themselves. According to IFS, we all have parts that represent various aspects of our identity and emotions. These parts can be shaped by our experiences, especially trauma, and they influence the way we think, feel, and behave.
In the case of people-pleasing, IFS helps you identify the people-pleaser part—the part of you that feels compelled to appease or satisfy others at the cost of your own needs. IFS therapy works by helping you acknowledge and explore this part, understand its purpose, and ultimately shift its role within your internal system.
How IFS Therapy Helps Heal People-Pleasing Patterns
1. Recognizing Your Parts
The first step in healing from people-pleasing is to recognize and acknowledge the parts of you that are driving the behavior. In IFS therapy, your therapist will help you identify the people-pleaser part and explore its origins. Often, this part was created in childhood or during a traumatic experience when you felt powerless or unsafe. The therapist will help you understand how this part functions and how it has been trying to protect you, even though it may be causing harm now.
2. Creating a Dialogue with Your People-Pleaser Part
Once the people-pleaser part is identified, IFS allows you to engage in a compassionate dialogue with this part. Through this process, you can gain insight into why this part developed in the first place and what it truly needs. Sometimes, the people-pleaser part is simply trying to protect you from fear or emotional pain. By communicating with it, you can learn how to release its grip on your behaviour and start making healthier decisions.
3. Understanding the Role of the Protector Parts
Often, the people-pleaser is acting as a protector part—a part of you that developed to shield you from hurt, rejection, or disapproval. IFS helps you understand the deeper motivations behind these protector parts and how they’ve been trying to help you. Through therapy, you can work to heal these parts and encourage them to relax, knowing that you’re now able to handle difficult emotions and situations in a healthier way.
4. Cultivating Self-Compassion and Boundaries
A key part of IFS therapy is helping you reconnect with your Self—the grounded, compassionate, and wise core of who you are. When you connect with your Self, you are able to practice self-compassion and begin setting healthy boundaries. This is a critical step in healing from people-pleasing because you can start making decisions that align with your authentic needs and desires. Instead of prioritizing others’ expectations over your own, you begin to make choices that nurture your well-being.
5. Healing the Root Causes of People-Pleasing
People-pleasing often has deep emotional roots in trauma—whether it’s from childhood, toxic relationships, or past emotional wounds. Through IFS, you can begin to heal these wounds and give those parts of you the space to release their fear and protectiveness. As you process and heal from past trauma, you’re able to develop healthier, more balanced relationships with yourself and others.
Is IFS Therapy Right for You?
If you struggle with people-pleasing or find yourself constantly trying to please others, IFS therapy can be an effective and empowering approach to healing. It helps you address the underlying trauma that drives people-pleasing behaviors and gives you the tools to connect with your authentic self.
By working with a skilled IFS therapist, you can gain a better understanding of your inner parts and begin to shift from a place of fear and survival to one of self-respect and empowerment.
Break Free from People-Pleasing with IFS Therapy
People-pleasing is more than just a habit—it’s a coping mechanism developed to protect you from emotional pain and rejection. While it may have served a purpose at one point, it can lead to exhaustion, resentment, and burnout in the long run. Through IFS therapy, you can begin to explore your inner parts, heal from past trauma, and break free from the cycle of people-pleasing.
Ready to heal from people-pleasing and fawning? Work with an IFS therapist in Toronto. Book a free 15-minute consultation.